For the most part, I'm an internalizer. I perceived early in life that it was
Many years ago at the peak of battling so much sin in my life, something happened that planted a seed that would help me break free of this internalizing prison. I went out to dinner with a church group. There were probably 10 people at the table. The leaders of our group ran into a couple they knew from out-of-town and invited them to eat with us. As we sat around the table, the leaders and this couple caught up on each others' lives. Some of the others in our group joined in on some of the conversation as well. I barely said a word outside of introducing myself. As we were leaving the restaurant, the man from out-of-town looked me square in the eyes and said, "You know a lot more than you share, don't you?" I simply nodded my head, smiled and said, "Yes I do." To most that was a generic comment...it was life changing for me.
I know in my "knower" that message was two-fold and it continues to ring in my head every time I try to crawl back into my "safe place". The Lord had him plant that seed in me. I'm certain that gentlemen does not remember me and I probably could not pick him out of a line up today. However,
I thought internalization was my friend, but it was certainly poisoning me. Internalizing everything is like keeping your refrigerator full of food. All food has an expiration date. If you don't open up the refrigerator and take the food out and use it to feed yourself or someone else, it simply begins to rot. No matter how good or healthy that food was in the beginning, if it just sits in there for a long time it becomes stale, useless even poisonous. It begins to pollute the refrigerator. Maybe you put something in the 'frig that was bad in the first place. It will never be healthy for you or someone else. It immediately taints the other items in the refrigerator. And just because you try to hide it and pretend it's not there...it still pollutes...it still stinks...it's still there....it's still damaging the 'frig and everything in it.
Now I am certainly not saying I should share everything that is on my mind. Heaven help us if I start sharing everything I think. Some things are certainly better left unsaid. At times, I struggle knowing what to say and what to internalize. Times like these are better handled by the Holy Spirit. I often ask Him to be the helmsman of my tongue. If I will listen to Him, He shows me when to speak and when to be silent. What freedom there is when you have the confidence of the Holy Spirit backing up your words or silence!