It's never easy to say "see ya' later" to those that you love. Nor is it easy to make a decision that brings such finality to an area of your life. Combine these together and, well, it just makes for a hard week. On December 12th, I was hit with the brutal truth of never being able to have children again when I signed a "Consent to Sterilization" form before being wheeled into the operating room for a hysterectomy. "Sterilization" is such a cold and heartless word. How many women have been forced through illness and other reasons to sign such a form? To sign away one of the most precious privileges a woman can have. Not that Rich and I were planning to have anymore children. It's just the reality of it all. The finality of it. There's no turning back. There's no more leaving room for God to move if He so chooses. Yet, I'm reminded by the Holy Spirit that He most certainly could have moved differently had He wanted to. Oh, His still small voice is the only thing that keeps the haunting voices at bay. The reminders. The nighttime nightmares of not being able to find your baby...the one you don't have. This experience is certainly building my heart for those women who have faced this same situation...often under harsher circumstances. The sense of loss is tremendous.
As I was recoverying from the surgery...just five days later, my sweet aunt passed away. She had been battling MS for so long. Her body was tired and everyone knew it. It wasn't a shock when the call came, but none the less painful. It is hard to see my uncle and cousin's family going through the pain of loss. Burying your wife and mother just four days before Christmas just makes it more difficult. But I will say that as my heart is sad, I absolutely celebrate with my aunt. She was a Godly woman. I can not hear the name Kay Author without thinking of my aunt. She loved Kay. She had so many of her tapes, CDs and books. She left a Godly heritage to her family. One that is being carried on by them. One she is would be very proud of. And through her life as a follower of Christ, she has finally received that new body she so desparately needed. Today, she is dancing with the saints on the streets of gold. She is singing. She is waving her arms as a banner of holiness to the Lord. All things she has not been able to do for so many years. She is free. THAT will always make me smile when I think of her.
The day after my aunt passed away, a very dear friend lost his battle with cancer. I say "lost" but in all actuality he was certainly the winner. He too was a devoted man of God. Mr. Roy will always hold a special place in my heart. He was an old Marine that could "jerk a knot in your tail" but at the same time love you like nobodies business. He took to Rich and I...we were always so blessed to have him speak into our lives. He was a man of wisdom and solid truth. He operated in honor, integrity and love. He leaves behind one of the sweetest wives anyone could ever know. It will be our responsibility to look after her...what an honor to help cover her until she can be with him again. My only regret was that his funeral was on the same day as my aunt's...so we missed it. I wanted so much to honor him by being there. He was a man that didn't get tied up over nonsense so I know he would tell me to just dust off my feet and keep moving. He wrote a letter to the church before he passed away. I can't wait to hear what was in that letter. I know that the way to truly honor him is not to be front and center at a memorial service but instead to live a pure and holy life...one that he would be proud of.
Three losses in less than a week. Three losses where the Lord will be glorified...only, in all honesty I wish He had picked another way to be glorified. He has taught me much (and continues to teach me) through the healing process of these losses. Lessons that I will learn and carry through the rest of my time here on this Earth. I see the light and the glory in the earthly deaths of my aunt and friend. I see the Lord glorified in how He brought me from the threshold of a life-threatening illness. I will simply have to trust Him with the rest. As I battle the internal pain, I pray that the light will soon burst forth from the darkness.