Thursday, April 29, 2010

Climbing Out of a Revelation

First, I'm really mad that something happened to the ultra-elegant, glass-paned door background I had on here.  I guess they discontinued gone it Google!  That was a perfect background for my blog title.

On to more important things...

I feel like I've spent the past few days literally trying to climb out of the revelations of insecurity the Lord gave me during the Beth Moore simulcast.  He cast His light upon my life and suddenly I could see the pit I'm in. I've been overwhelmed by the reality of it all and I've mourned the sheer existence of insecurity in my life.  And the truth is, the depth of the insecurity is what has thrown me off.  It goes way deeper than I thought.  I'm just thankful that His revealing light cuts to the heart of the matter and NO darkness can exist in His light.  I've been reminded of the following verse through this entire process...

"But this is a people robbed and plundered; they are all of them snared in holes and hidden in houses of bondage. They have become a prey, with no one to deliver them, a spoil, with no one to say, Restore them!"  Isaiah 42:22

I used this verse at the last encounter I taught.  These very words came out of my own stinkin' mouth!  I hate it when something I've taught is shown to me again, and I'm not living it out (or in this case, I am living in it).  HATE IT!  And that, of course, tries to make me feel even more insecure.  So sorry, there's no more room left on the merry-go-round of Shannon's insecurities...I just can't take that one on.  (I'm learning!)

So here I go, climbing my way out of the pit of insecurity.  The enemy has truly robbed and plundered my life and kept me in bondage through insecurity.  But Praise God I do have a Restorer.  There is Someone who has already delivered me from the enemy.  Where all of the insecurities began, no longer matters.  Why I've held on to them and allowed them to suffocate me spiritually, is of no concern to me at this point.  I'm tired of "looking down" at the bottom of the pit and dwelling on what I've been living with...I'm now looking up at my Deliverer.

That's not to say that I haven't been mourning the sin of it all.  When I realized just how deep insecurity has rooted itself in my life, I was overcome by a tidal wave of emotions that I've been trying to climb out of ever since.  I've been in a state of mourning since last Saturday.  I've felt myself draw inward.  At times I've wanted to close my eyes and pretend it's not true.  I've just been in flat-out denial.  I've tried to reason it all away.  I've had the "But, this...." conversations.  (I still have one every once in a while.)  I've cried (of course)!  I've battled some depression.  I've fought the urge to just quit...stamp a big "F" for failure on my forehead and stick me in the reject insecurity in that, right!?  (Thank you Lord for Your still, small voice of reason and love that won't let me do that.)

I love what Isaiah 42:16 says, "And I will bring the blind by a way that they know not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known. I will make darkness into light before them and make uneven places into a plain. These things I have determined to do [for them]; and I will not leave them forsaken."

Have I been blind?  Yes.  Have I been so prideful that I thought God would love others more than me? *gulp*  Yes.  Have I allowed relationships here on Earth dictate the way I perceive God's incomprehensible love?  Yes.  Will I ever be good enough?  Not in my own strength an knowledge, but most definitely through the blood and power of Christ I will. am.

Dealing with sin is never fun or easy.  I'm just so thankful that He's been there every step of the way...making those uneven places into plains...

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