What's Your "But"?

"Now Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria, was a great and honorable man in the eyes of his master, because by him the Lord had given victory to Syria.  He was also a mighty man of valor, but a leper."  2 Kings 5:1 (NKJV)

My sweet, sweet friend gave Reid an awesome children's bible story book for Christmas.  We love books at our house, so books are always a welcomed gift.  She gushed about how great this little book is at teaching our children about the stories in the Bible while tying each story to Jesus.  I thought, "Oh, that's nice."  Well...let me tell you that little book ROCKS.  By the end of the first story I was fighting back tears as we read about how our sweet and wonderful God already had deemed Jesus as Saviour of the World as He created the Earth.  Good, good stuff...

So the other night we read about Naaman's leprosy being healed in 2 Kings 5.  After I put Reid to bed I went down to the office and pulled out a New King James Version bible and read the chapter for myself.  I just couldn't leave this story alone.  I needed to get the intricate details of the story.  (The world can say 'the devil's in the details' but let me tell you that our intricate God is most certainly in the details of our lives...the little details can often bring the greatest revelations.) I started reading the chapter and verse one immediately grabbed my attention.  I managed to read the rest of the story but immediately went back to verse one.  I could not get past it...still can't...here's why...

According to the verse, Naaman was a great man.  He held a very high, powerful and prestigious position in his country.  He made a very nice salary every year and lived in a nice home with all the servants and things a person could want.  He was seen as great and honorable in eyes of the King of Syria.  Meaning he participated in exclusive meetings and parties and had the favor of the country's leader on his side.  He was well known every where he went. He was very good at many things.  He was very smart, very strategic and probably very charismatic.  People listened when he spoke.  He was a mighty man of valor meaning he was brave and had boldness and determination when facing danger, particularly in battle.  Life should have been good...perfect...easier to live than most...

"...but a leper."

*Sigh*

That one little statement had huge implications.  He was unclean.  He was hindered.  He was held back from being even greater than he already was.  He couldn't impact the world around him as much as he wanted.  He walked around every day knowing there were greater things locked up inside of him that could not be utilized because of his leprosy.  He had a vision of what the future could be but knew the leprosy would always hold him back.  

I imagine that Naaman was a bit of a prideful man.  He probably thought that he would overcome the leprosy by his sheer will-power.  He probably tried to cover it up and ignore it.  He was determined that nothing would stop him.  But in the end, each and every time, his own power was not enough to overcome the power that leprosy had on his life.  He needed to be healed but didn't know where to find it.  So God brought a precious little Israelite girl into his life.  The answer to his problem came from the most unexpected place...one of his servant girls.  And his healing would come from the land of Israel, which he had recently raided and plundered.  (That's a whole other blog in itself.)

Out of desperation, Naaman followed the girl's word and went to Israel.  Once he arrived in Israel, Elisha sent for him and gave him simple instructions to be healed... "Go and wash in the Jordan River seven times, and your flesh shall be restored to you, and you shall be clean." (Verse 10)  He argued.  He rolled his eyes.  He threw a two-year-old tantrum.  He was disgusted that he had come all that way just to take a dip in a nasty river where commoners often bathed.  He tried to talk Elisha into letting him wash in a cleaner river...one he preferred and viewed as more respectable.  He got so mad he decided to storm off and forget the whole thing.  Fortunately, the Lord used his servants (once again) to speak wisdom to him.  He finally did as Elisha said and he was healed.  Pride, it will certainly stand in the way of our healing.

We are like Naaman.  We are great at this or that.  We are favored in the eyes of our leaders and friends/colleagues.  We live comfortably.  We have a blessed family.  We have all this potential.  We have a vision or a promise that the Lord has given us.  We may already sit in the high places in our jobs, community or country.  We may be mighty and full of valor.  We have people shouting our praises, saying how great we are.  But within us we know we are...

...but a leper...

That thing...that sin...that illness...that hurt...that (fill in the blank).  Whatever it is that is holding us back.  That part of our life that we've tried to overcome through our own power or tried to ignore out of pride.  That ridiculous part of our life that will not let go of us and makes us sick when we look in the mirror.  That thing the enemy uses day in and day out to bring condemnation and shame to our lives.  The thing that we immediately think about every time someone gives us accolades. Maybe the people around you know about your "but" or maybe you're still able to hide it.

Whatever the case, it is time to take a dip in the Jordan.  There is power and healing at that place the Lord has told you to go and in the things He's told you to do.  It's all about faith and obedience.  The two go hand-in-hand.  James 2:20 tells us that faith without works is dead.  I don't want to be held back any longer...I'm jumping in...how about you?



What's In Your Refrigerator?

It's hard for me to believe that it has been nearly four months since I've posted a blog.  I've certainly thought about it several times but really didn't have anything I wanted to share.  Maybe it was because I was far too busy or too tired.  Probably it was because I didn't need to say what was on my mind.  Some things are better left unsaid.


For the most part, I'm an internalizer.  I perceived early in life that it was better safer to keep my thoughts to myself.  If you don't say anything, you are less likely to look foolish, dumb or (fill in the blank).  For someone with low self-confidence, it only takes a few times of getting mocked, questioned or berated for your thoughts before you learn to just keep them to yourself.  Others question you so you begin to question yourself.  I was the best of the best at keeping everything inside.  I would crawl into my little prison cell and slam the door shut behind me.  And good luck to the person that tried to drag me out.  I had no self-confidence, but I didn't want anyone to know it.  I had a lot of sin in my life and I certainly didn't want anyone to know it. (And I'm sure it was a "secret"...cough, cough)


Many years ago at the peak of battling so much sin in my life, something happened that planted a seed that would help me break free of this internalizing prison.  I went out to dinner with a church group.  There were probably 10 people at the table.  The leaders of our group ran into a couple they knew from out-of-town and invited them to eat with us.  As we sat around the table, the leaders and this couple caught up on each others' lives.  Some of the others in our group joined in on some of the conversation as well.  I barely said a word outside of introducing myself.  As we were leaving the restaurant, the man from out-of-town looked me square in the eyes and said, "You know a lot more than you share, don't you?"  I simply nodded my head, smiled and said, "Yes I do."  To most that was a generic comment...it was life changing for me.


I know in my "knower" that message was two-fold and it continues to ring in my head every time I try to crawl back into my "safe place".  The Lord had him plant that seed in me.  I'm certain that gentlemen does not remember me and I probably could not pick him out of a line up today.  However, his His words rested in my spirit.  I did know more than I was willing to share (in more ways than one).  Those words also told me that I was not as invisible as I felt.  At that time in my life, I was looking for love and a fulfillment in my spirit that only the Lord could give me. I had no self-confidence.  I was broken.  I was a cesspool of sin, yet my spirit was crying out for my Abba Father.


I thought internalization was my friend, but it was certainly poisoning me.  Internalizing everything is like keeping your refrigerator full of food.  All food has an expiration date.  If you don't open up the refrigerator and take the food out and use it to feed yourself or someone else, it simply begins to rot.  No matter how good or healthy that food was in the beginning, if it just sits in there for a long time it becomes stale, useless even poisonous.  It begins to pollute the refrigerator.  Maybe you put something in the 'frig that was bad in the first place.  It will never be healthy for you or someone else.  It immediately taints the other items in the refrigerator.  And just because you try to hide it and pretend it's not there...it still pollutes...it still stinks...it's still there....it's still damaging the 'frig and everything in it.


Now I am certainly not saying I should share everything that is on my mind.  Heaven help us if I start sharing everything I think.  Some things are certainly better left unsaid.  At times, I struggle knowing what to say and what to internalize.  Times like these are better handled by the Holy Spirit.  I often ask Him to be the helmsman of my tongue.  If I will listen to Him, He shows me when to speak and when to be silent.  What freedom there is when you have the confidence of the Holy Spirit backing up your words or silence!

Hope Beyond Measure

What, what would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring.  Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

Psalm 27:13,14 (amp)

Hope...a word that we throw around without regard to its power.  "I hope you get to feeling better."  "I hope things work out for you."  "I hope my insurance covers this medicine."  "I hope I don't have to stand in line very long."  "I hope my son has friends when he's older."  Hope is powerful.  It's so powerful that medical professionals recognize it as an crucial element in the healing process for patients.  It has been studied and documented that patients with hope outlive those without hope.  And woe to the person who has no hope!  I have someone in my life that claims to be an atheist.  Recently I thought about her and how hopeless of a life she must lead.  She believes she has no savior...no God at all, there's no concept of redemption from sin, no eternal life to ponder...we just cease to exist when we die (or so she thinks), no one to lean on when people have betrayed or deserted her.  No one to call out to when disaster hits. Nothing. Just her and the temporal things she can lay her hands on here on this earth. 

According to the world, hope is a feeling...a wish or desire that something will happen (or not happen).  But as followers of Christ our hope is far more foundational than a simple feeling.  Our hope is rooted in a God that has proven His love and devotion since before the days of the Earth.  Hope for us is a trusting expectation that the Lord is going to stay true to His promises.  That He truly is the same yesterday, today and forever.  That the same God that parted the sea for Moses and the Israelites can also hear our prayers and move mightily on our behalf. 

I love how David talked about hope in the above scriptures.  David certainly understood what it meant to hope in the Lord.  When you consider his life, how else would he have made it through that life had it not been for hope?  And realize that he didn't lose hope when things didn't turn out as he thought they should.  When, in the natural, it seemed that God had turned His back on David.  In fact, David got up each time, dusted himself off and continued to follow God.  THAT is when you realize that hope is more than a feeling.  If hope was merely a feeling, David (or we) would never get back up, with trusting expectation, after something didn't go as we expected.

Hope is not a feeling.  Feelings are temporary and can misguide us.  Hope, the kind that comes from a relationship with Christ, is a deep-rooted, trusting expectation that my God will be our rear-guard.  He will cover us in times of trouble.  He will supply all of our needs according to His riches in glory.  He will give His angels charge over us.  He will go before us and prepare the way.  He has equipped us with everything we need to fulfill our purpose.  He will rebuke the devourer from our lives.  He will bless us exceedingly, abundantly more than we could ever imagine.  He will love us with an agape love so deep that we can never reach the end of it.  He will forgive our sins and never recall them again.  He will heal us.  He will never leave us nor forsake us.  He has given us victory through Jesus Christ...and He has prepared a place for us where we will spend eternity with Him.  (Whew)

Here's the thing.  I came out here today to blog...not really knowing what to say.  When I opened blogspot I noticed a new blog in my feed about children with disabilities not having friends once they reach about 10-years-old.  This struck a nerve with me because that is one thing that is a concern for our son.  I began reading it and thought, "Where is our hope for his future?"  Aspergerians struggle with maintaining close friendships.  We've known this but have hoped that he would be the exception to this because he is so high-functioning.  But within seconds my mind was hijacked by the enemy and I began playing out all of the "nightmares" and "what ifs".  Then, the Holy Spirit said, "WAIT..STOP THIS FOOLISHNESS!"  A blog by another mother of a disabled child nor the diagnosis made by a doctor have any bearing on what the Lord says about him.  We have hope.  True hope that he will have friends.  He will not be lonely.  He will not turn to addictions to cope with being "different".  He will not run with the wrong crowd.  He. Will. Not.  The Lord has already blown our minds with how far He has taken Reid and how He has used that little fella.  He turns 8 next week.  We will continue to "wait for, hope for and expect the Lord" to continue what He has started in Reid.  We look forward to his future with hope and great expectation.  Our hope is not a feeling...it is a foundational truth in which we can stand firm and believe that God has carved out a very special place in history for Reid.  Afterall, the Lord spoke to Richard before we ever conceived and told Richard that he would have a son and his name would be called Fearless.  That doesn't sound like an unhappy, lonely boy to me.

Man Made vs. God Made

This past weekend we were tremendously blessed when a friend of mine gave us two tickets to the 2012 Cotton Bowl where our beloved Arkansas Razorbacks were playing Kansas State at my hubby's dream stadium.  It was too good to pass up!  We threw our plans together and rushed off to Dallas bright and early that Friday morning.  We joined a convoy of many other Hog fans phenatics on I-30 all the way into Dallas.  We were excited and felt completely honored to be among the 30,000 - 40,000 other Arkansas fans that weekend.  The excitement gushing from Rich was almost more than our little Honda could hold.


This was a dream come true for my man.  As much as he loves the Razorbacks, he equally loves the Dallas Cowboys.  He has followed them since he was 3-years-old (No exaggeration...watching the Cowboys with his dad are some of his first memories!)  How much better could you get than your home team playing in the stadium that you have been dreaming to see...for the Cotton Bowl!?  It was as though God had reached down and created that very situation just for my man.  Although I've told my friend a hundred "thank you's"...she just really doesn't know what this meant for us.


As we arrive at the stadium and begin to walk around we begin to understand the size of this place.  It is huge.  No really...try walking around it...it's huge.  And everything about it is proportional to its overall size (including the price of a hot dog and Coke Pepsi soap in a can 20 oz cup loaded with ice.)  When we first get inside we are overwhelmed with smells from concessions, lights, noise of the sound system and voices.  And then we see IT...the megatron TV screen suspended above the football field.  It's quite impressive as you're able to see every pore on every face that hits the big screen.  It became clear throughout the game that nothing goes unnoticed on that screen.  Every look...every word muttered...every glance of the eyes...every furrowing of the brow...every type of body language...every missed call by the referees was very apparent...no one could escape.  It was simply awesome!  Suddenly our 46" TV seemed so small and insignificant. :)


But that's what Jerry Jones is known for, is he not?  (Well, that and apparently a lot of other things according to my Texan friends.)  Jerry does it big....go big or go broke must be Jerry's moto.  I bet there were a few times this past year that the "go broke" part was a little too close for comfort with the NFL union battle battle of greedier vs. greediest.  But Jerry takes it to another level in whatever he does.  He likes being at the top...owning the best...being the best...He's kind of like the godfather of the NFL.


As I was sitting in the stadium, I could not help think about this...there is no comparison between mad-made works and God-made wonders.


God has given man the ability to create wonderful things.  Many of them beautiful.  Many of them more powerful than we often know how to handle.  Some of them larger than life...some smaller than the eye can see.  None of them as amazing as God's creation.  Try as we may, no man-made creation will ever trump this creation...

While a 160' x 72' TV is impressive...God's creation is where I want a front row seat. 

What a wildly wonderful world, God!
You made it all, with Wisdom at your side,
made earth overflow with your wonderful creations.


Psalm 104:24 (Msg)

How amazing is His creation!  What a wonderful gift to His children.  For thousands of years we have been trying to discover all there is to know about this complex world our God has created.  We have yet to scrape the surface.  He is intricate in His creations.  He takes nothing and makes it into stunning beauty.  He simply says the word and it is done.  He moves His finger across the sky and paints a picture that Michelangelo could only dream of painting. 

He did not create it so He could become greater and richer by "charging" us to enjoy His creations .... no, it is a free gift to us.  Just like His precious Son.  Free.  Everything free.

The heavens are the Lord's heavens, but the earth has He given to the children of men. Psalm 115:16

May we always remember to stop and enjoy this God-made creation.  May we never take for granted His Free Gift.  And may man-made works never be more glorified in our lives than God-made wonders!

Loss

It's never easy to say "see ya' later" to those that you love.  Nor is it easy to make a decision that brings such finality to an area of your life.  Combine these together and, well, it just makes for a hard week.  On December 12th, I was hit with the brutal truth of never being able to have children again when I signed a "Consent to Sterilization" form before being wheeled into the operating room for a hysterectomy.  "Sterilization" is such a cold and heartless word.  How many women have been forced through illness and other reasons to sign such a form?  To sign away one of the most precious privileges a woman can have.  Not that Rich and I were planning to have anymore children.  It's just the reality of it all.  The finality of it.  There's no turning back.  There's no more leaving room for God to move if He so chooses.  Yet, I'm reminded by the Holy Spirit that He most certainly could have moved differently had He wanted to.  Oh, His still small voice is the only thing that keeps the haunting voices at bay.  The reminders.  The nighttime nightmares of not being able to find your baby...the one you don't have.  This experience is certainly building my heart for those women who have faced this same situation...often under harsher circumstances.  The sense of loss is tremendous.


As I was recoverying from the surgery...just five days later, my sweet aunt passed away.  She had been battling MS for so long.  Her body was tired and everyone knew it.  It wasn't a shock when the call came, but none the less painful.  It is hard to see my uncle and cousin's family going through the pain of loss.  Burying your wife and mother just four days before Christmas just makes it more difficult.  But I will say that as my heart is sad, I absolutely celebrate with my aunt.  She was a Godly woman.  I can not hear the name Kay Author without thinking of my aunt.  She loved Kay.   She had so many of her tapes, CDs and books.  She left a Godly heritage to her family.  One that is being carried on by them.  One she is would be very proud of.  And through her life as a follower of Christ, she has finally received that new body she so desparately needed.  Today, she is dancing with the saints on the streets of gold.  She is singing.  She is waving her arms as a banner of holiness to the Lord.  All things she has not been able to do for so many years.  She is free.  THAT will always make me smile when I think of her. 


The day after my aunt passed away, a very dear friend lost his battle with cancer.  I say "lost" but in all actuality he was certainly the winner.  He too was a devoted man of God.  Mr. Roy will always hold a special place in my heart.  He was an old Marine that could "jerk a knot in your tail" but at the same time love you like nobodies business.  He took to Rich and I...we were always so blessed to have him speak into our lives.  He was a man of wisdom and solid truth.  He operated in honor, integrity and love.  He leaves behind one of the sweetest wives anyone could ever know.  It will be our responsibility to look after her...what an honor to help cover her until she can be with him again.  My only regret was that his funeral was on the same day as my aunt's...so we missed it.  I wanted so much to honor him by being there.  He was a man that didn't get tied up over nonsense so I know he would tell me to just dust off my feet and keep moving.  He wrote a letter to the church before he passed away.  I can't wait to hear what was in that letter.  I know that the way to truly honor him is not to be front and center at a memorial service but instead to live a pure and holy life...one that he would be proud of.


Three losses in less than a week.  Three losses where the Lord will be glorified...only, in all honesty I wish He had picked another way to be glorified.  He has taught me much (and continues to teach me) through the healing process of these losses.  Lessons that I will learn and carry through the rest of my time here on this Earth.  I see the light and the glory in the earthly deaths of my aunt and friend.  I see the Lord glorified in how He brought me from the threshold of a life-threatening illness.  I will simply have to trust Him with the rest.  As I battle the internal pain, I pray that the light will soon burst forth from the darkness.

Daughters and Pinterest

I have done a terrible thing.  I have introduced my daughter to Pinterest.  But instead of her getting her own account, she is using mine.  I now have a board titled "Things That Remind Me of Tori".  It was fun for a day.  My dearest Tori, please get your own account. 

THIS....

IS NOT MY STYLE!



However, this...

unfortunately is...