Loss

It's never easy to say "see ya' later" to those that you love.  Nor is it easy to make a decision that brings such finality to an area of your life.  Combine these together and, well, it just makes for a hard week.  On December 12th, I was hit with the brutal truth of never being able to have children again when I signed a "Consent to Sterilization" form before being wheeled into the operating room for a hysterectomy.  "Sterilization" is such a cold and heartless word.  How many women have been forced through illness and other reasons to sign such a form?  To sign away one of the most precious privileges a woman can have.  Not that Rich and I were planning to have anymore children.  It's just the reality of it all.  The finality of it.  There's no turning back.  There's no more leaving room for God to move if He so chooses.  Yet, I'm reminded by the Holy Spirit that He most certainly could have moved differently had He wanted to.  Oh, His still small voice is the only thing that keeps the haunting voices at bay.  The reminders.  The nighttime nightmares of not being able to find your baby...the one you don't have.  This experience is certainly building my heart for those women who have faced this same situation...often under harsher circumstances.  The sense of loss is tremendous.


As I was recoverying from the surgery...just five days later, my sweet aunt passed away.  She had been battling MS for so long.  Her body was tired and everyone knew it.  It wasn't a shock when the call came, but none the less painful.  It is hard to see my uncle and cousin's family going through the pain of loss.  Burying your wife and mother just four days before Christmas just makes it more difficult.  But I will say that as my heart is sad, I absolutely celebrate with my aunt.  She was a Godly woman.  I can not hear the name Kay Author without thinking of my aunt.  She loved Kay.   She had so many of her tapes, CDs and books.  She left a Godly heritage to her family.  One that is being carried on by them.  One she is would be very proud of.  And through her life as a follower of Christ, she has finally received that new body she so desparately needed.  Today, she is dancing with the saints on the streets of gold.  She is singing.  She is waving her arms as a banner of holiness to the Lord.  All things she has not been able to do for so many years.  She is free.  THAT will always make me smile when I think of her. 


The day after my aunt passed away, a very dear friend lost his battle with cancer.  I say "lost" but in all actuality he was certainly the winner.  He too was a devoted man of God.  Mr. Roy will always hold a special place in my heart.  He was an old Marine that could "jerk a knot in your tail" but at the same time love you like nobodies business.  He took to Rich and I...we were always so blessed to have him speak into our lives.  He was a man of wisdom and solid truth.  He operated in honor, integrity and love.  He leaves behind one of the sweetest wives anyone could ever know.  It will be our responsibility to look after her...what an honor to help cover her until she can be with him again.  My only regret was that his funeral was on the same day as my aunt's...so we missed it.  I wanted so much to honor him by being there.  He was a man that didn't get tied up over nonsense so I know he would tell me to just dust off my feet and keep moving.  He wrote a letter to the church before he passed away.  I can't wait to hear what was in that letter.  I know that the way to truly honor him is not to be front and center at a memorial service but instead to live a pure and holy life...one that he would be proud of.


Three losses in less than a week.  Three losses where the Lord will be glorified...only, in all honesty I wish He had picked another way to be glorified.  He has taught me much (and continues to teach me) through the healing process of these losses.  Lessons that I will learn and carry through the rest of my time here on this Earth.  I see the light and the glory in the earthly deaths of my aunt and friend.  I see the Lord glorified in how He brought me from the threshold of a life-threatening illness.  I will simply have to trust Him with the rest.  As I battle the internal pain, I pray that the light will soon burst forth from the darkness.

Daughters and Pinterest

I have done a terrible thing.  I have introduced my daughter to Pinterest.  But instead of her getting her own account, she is using mine.  I now have a board titled "Things That Remind Me of Tori".  It was fun for a day.  My dearest Tori, please get your own account. 

THIS....

IS NOT MY STYLE!



However, this...

unfortunately is...



Protecting the Holidays

Ellen:  Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.

Every holiday season, Rich and I try to watch the ever-so-hilarious movie...National Lampoon Christmas Vacation.  (The edited version, of course.  We tried once to rent the movie and watch it.  We didn't realize just how much language was cut out for the TV version.  Wow!  So we're very glad to have DVR this year.)  We love this movie, as millions of other Americans do.  Why?  Why do we find it so funny?  Well, it's because the truth is what makes a joke or movie funny.  We can relate to the "hell" that is portrayed in this movie.  Many of us have elderly people in our families that speak their minds, have habits and functions that are less-than-pleasant.  Then there's "that" uncle or aunt that is just so very different from the family core and usually brings excitement (and often division) to the scene.  And who can forget the teenagers that spend their entire holiday trying to escape the visiting family.  This is the one time of year you will find them united in their efforts to escape even if it means that brother and sister must cooperative with one another.  Oh but wait, there's more...the in-laws.  How great is it to deal with the sarcastic, know-it-all father-in-law and the controlling mother-in-law?

All of this for the sake of getting a check mark on the "Family Duties" checklist of life. 

We may walk away feeling robbed, abused and pure-dee mad.  The days leading up to the "joyous celebration" are filled with unpleasant planning conversations, late night discussions with the spouse about what happened last time and how things are shaping up to be just as miserable, the dredging up of old memories and fights that have caused a root of bitterness to set up in us, feelings of dread and even anger and the overall attempt for many in the room to ignore the fact that if everyone was honest they would admit that they would rather be getting a root canal.  In essences, NO ONE IS HAVING A GOOD TIME!

The joy gets sucked out of the holiday.  Our children are robbed of creating wonderful holiday memories.  We allow the curse of bad holidays to continue.  We spend the next few days repenting for our thoughts, words, feeling and actions.  We forget that Christ should be in the middle of each holiday.  Maybe we don't forget that He's the reason, but we sure do wonder when He's going to show up!  Am I speaking to anyone?  (All three of you, that is.)

How do we protect our holidays?  How do we break this cycle, tradition...curse?  "Curse" may seem like a strong word, but that's exactly what it is.  Words have been spoken countless times by us and other family members that have cursed our family holiday gatherings.  If the above even partly describes your family gathering (and it's been that way since you can remember) then your family is operating in a curse.  Some can remember a time when family gatherings were good but then something happened that changed everything.  Now what ever happened stands in the way of you all enjoying one another.  If it isn't resolved soon, it will become a curse that is passed down to your children.  They will then exercise this same "tradition" with their children.  If the curse is going to be broken, we can't wait for someone else to do it.  We must be "that person" that puts their spiritual foot down and says "NO MORE".  We must start with repenting for our words and attitudes (maybe even actions).  We have to then verbally break any curses we see.  We have to take back the ground that satan has stolen from our families.  Then we have to walk in the belief that the others will soon follow.  If they don't, then we must decide that "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."  Even when that means being the only ones in the room that make an effort to change the "climate".

Breaking the curse isn't easy.  I should know, I've been trying for years.  I type this today feeling defeated over a holiday season that hasn't even started yet.  I attempt to tackle each year with hope, joy and belief that this year is going to be different.  Only to have resistance come from areas that should be marching forward with me, not against me.  We have tried to change things in our family.  Many of them were big epic failures.  The enemy made his way in and robbed us each time.  Sometimes we recovered well, got up and started over again.  Other times, we joined in the enemies plan and came out swinging only to "tear down our house with our own hands".  What it is going to take is biting our tongues (a lot), holding our tempers, being servants to others and being the one that brings the fun back to the holidays.  WE are the ones that must protect the holidays.  We must take this battle on, otherwise all will be lost. 

As parents, we are responsible for our children.  What kind of holiday memories are we creating for them?  I will tell you that as their protector, it is mine and Rich's responsibility to protect them...even from their own family at times.  We do believe that there is a line where grace and understanding stops and protecting the child by removing them from the situation begins.   Short of them being in harms way or experiencing damaging words, sights or actions, we want them to understand that family is important.  We are often tempted to say, "Fine, we just won't go this year."  (Maybe that's the correct decision for your family situation.)  But we do not want them growing up not understanding the importance of loving people regardless of that person's weaknesses.  "The world knows how to love the lovable...there is no medal for doing that..."  We don't want them to run from difficult relationships (unless they're in danger, of course).  With all of that said, we also strive to protect their holiday memories by insuring that they have plenty of good memories that stem from our immediate family traditions.  Traditions that we will carry on with our grandchildren.  One day, the curses of ole will be nothing more than life lessons that cause us to continue to protect the holidays.

May we all walk in holiday victory this year!

Satisfaction Guaranteed

I just came from a meeting where the people at the table clearly find their satisfaction in their work (and hearing themselves talk).  I found myself thinking of how easy it must be to drown yourself in your work, thinking all along that you'd found the source of happiness.  How easy it is for satan to deceive us into thinking that "this is IT...you have arrived"!  While our work is certainly important, no matter what we do for a living, scripture tells us to work as unto the Lord.  Our witness is walked out at work.  The talents and giftings bestowed upon us by our God are to be shared with others...always with the intent of the glory given to God.  But that job (or anything else in this world) is not capable of being our sole source of satisfaction.  As much as I love my work,  I believe in it tremendously, it could never fulfill those deepest places of my life where only the Lord can satisfy.  I could certainly spend hours upon extra hours pouring over work literature, books, magazines, white papers and such.  I could network at every event.  I could work until late at night.  I could go back and get a Phd in...something. (And don't get me wrong, bettering yourself is never a bad thing.)  I just know that none of those things could ever bring the satisfaction that the Lord brings to my life.  One place of ministry for me is certainly work, but my work doesn't define me.  Christ defines me.  That's where my satisfaction comes from.  Sinking my roots, deep into His living water, is my source of strength, joy and satisfaction.  Sitting in a rain shower of His love quenches my thirst.  The world's "stuff" can't come close.  Anyone saying, "I can't get no satisfaction" needs to meet my God.  His satisfaction is guaranteed!

The Goodness of 2011

After yesterday's post...and several previous posts...I decided it was time for me to post about the good things from this first half of 2011.  Pictures say 1,000 words, so I've decided to let them speak for me...

I was blessed in having the opportunity to teach about being a Warrior of God...the story of David continues to work in my life!

My job allowed me to do some traveling to some beautiful parts of the state...

and I got to spend a lot of time with these folks...

They are my heart's delight!!! (This picture is a little old, but they are just a

gorgeous today as they were in this picture.)

I experienced snow, more than once in this horrifically hot state of Arkansas...I LOVE snow!!!

This little man continues to be inspired by...

This little man....

Which means my little man is growing up and developing closer to his age group...

which is an amazing praise report for our family!



I've been able to watch this amazing young woman grow in the Lord and expand her horizon as a leader.

I'm certainly growing in the Lord too.  "If you're not growing, you're dying!" ~Bro. Bill

He's still the man of my dreams...even in his Roman guard dress :)

I could go on for hours about how he had become an even better

husband this year.  His support, wisdom, love and leadership

has been absolutely amazing!!

I had the honor of co-leading the first ever Revolution Student Ministry encounter retreat.

Wow, God...Wow!!!

I continue to be blessed day after day by these two folks.  My parents are unbelievable! 

They have served us and loved us just like Jesus.



My precious, precious new life group.  Wow...I love these women!! 

I'm so honored to be their new leader.  I knew I would be a life group

pastor one day.  I never dreamed it would be young adult women.

We're going to have a ton of fun!

I've been blessed with a friendship that has

grown even deeper in 2011...

And I just received news yesterday that she will be staying here forever...

Not sure it was really THAT concrete...but that's my interpretation.

Blonde-headed Blessing #1...



and...

Blonde-headed Blessing #2...

My card-playing nemesis...MEAT HUD....

Husband of Jenny...

Dad of Blonde-headed Blessings #1 & #2...

I proudly watched as my beautiful, sweet Adj graduated from high school...

Once again...I can not allow circumstances to rob me of the joys of being blessed with

our dream home.  The home that we have waited for, prayed for, dreamed about for over

two years.  The home that we separately fell in love with before we ever imagined having

a home like this.  The Lord has blessed us abundantly...we can wait to fill it with the

laughter, tears and conversation that await our ministry!

2011 has been a year of goodness...let us not loose that

in the midst of trying times!



Challenged to the Core

As we entered into 2011, Rich told me one night in the car that he felt as though 2011 was going to be a year of great change...of good things.  (Looking back on that moment, I sometimes wish I had known what I know now so that I could have told him to take that statement back!) I had no idea just how deep that change would go.  I could not fathom how broad-sweeping that profession would be.  We are only 7 months into the year, and I'm looking ahead wondering what else the Lord has for us in the remaining 4 months.  I'm sure I'll read over this post in a year or so and laugh with the knowledge of what happened in the remaining months.

The Lord has certainly been passing out change slips to the Roberts household.  We've been up, down, round and round in the selling of our old home and purchasing a new home.  We are in the process of "making the new home ours" which has proven to be one challenge after another.  (Who knew it could be so difficult to get flooring installed or that paint could be so expensive or that people don't really do what they say they are going to do?...ok...we already knew that.) We've had to deal with family issues that we wished had turned out differently.  We stared into the eyes of haunting health problems.  My new job escalated in responsibility and travel. We've paid off debt.  (I had to throw that one in because I'm just so dog gone excited about it!)  We've taken on a new area of ministry.  (Although not viewed by me as positive, in the beginning, I am now 110% certain that this is a great change.)  We learned new things about some of the people in our lives.  We learned new things about ourselves.  

All of these have challenged me to the core.  To the deepest part of my core.  There were times when I could physically feel the changes effecting my life.  I have shed tears.  I've yelled.  I've fought (and lost).  I've dug my heels into the ground.  I've thrown a fit (or two).  I've given in, only to take up the fight later the next day.  I've questioned who I am and what in the world I'm doing.  I've questioned God.  I've contemplated just giving up and being a status quo Christian.  All the while, the Lord was taking away layer after layer of stuff sin so that He could get to my "core".  The central part of my life.  All so that He could be my helmsman.  He was refining what was already there.  He was making sure that I am not the same person today as I was on January 1, 2011.  He has picked me up, turned me upside down and shaken everything out of my pockets.  I thought I was strong.  He showed me my weaknesses.  I thought I trusted Him completely.  He proved to me that my faith wasn't as big as it seemed.  I thought I was trucking right along doing well in my spiritual walk.  He pulled the road out from under me.  I thought I had a good attitude.  He gave me a whiff of the stench that was rolling off my attitude.

I have been challenged to my core, and I'm shocked at what He had to remove and/or change.  BUT GOD... Man, He is so faithful to us.  I can see that what He's doing in me is to prepare me for something far greater.  (Do you ever get tired of saying that or wonder if you sound as cliche to others as you sound to yourself?)  All of those things had to go if I'm going to grow as a leader.  I can say "I don't want anymore, Lord.  Just stop!"  But I do want more.  So much more. The thought of being stuck right here, spiritually, for the rest of my life gives me an anxiety attack.  What a waste of a person I would be!  Through this all, He has uncovered new passions within me that I didn't even know were there.  I had packed so much junk around my "core" that I didn't even know what was there.  There are all these things that He has put inside of me, and I just keep covering them up with sin, ideas of my own and the daily grind of life.

Now not everything that was around my core was bad.  I have some really sweet fruit that has grown from my core...just like the apple above.  But I feel like the Lord has pulled that fruit back so that the seeds He's been planting in me could be used to produce more fruit.  We sometimes like to hang on to old fruit and show it off for as long as we can.  We love to talk about the time back at the Fall 2001 retreat where we led this lady to the Lord and she's now a powerful woman of God.  "Yep, look at my fruit...isn't she lovely?"  Only problem is that we get into a rut thinking that we've done one good thing so we can just sit down and have a rest for the next 10 years.  We get really comfortable in our Christian walk because we continue to focus on the good stuff we've already done and we end up forgetting that there's more to be done.  So He's making sure that I don't become one of those complacent Christians.  He's not allowing my fruit to rot or become damaged.  He wants me to be constantly sowing and reaping.  So He continues to refine me.  He continues to dig deeper and uncover the more mature seeds....all while pulling out the worms and getting rid of the rot.

That process has been painful...BUT GOD has been an amazing provider and healer.  Every cut He makes, He covers with the Balm of Gilead.  Every thing He takes, He replaces with something greater.  Every time He turns me upside down, He eventually stands me back up on my feet...kisses me on the top of my head and says, "Go get 'em Tiger."  Man, I love Him!