Running After You

"This time Jonah started off straight for Nineveh, obeying God's orders to the letter..." Jonah 3:3 (The Message)

As Richard and I were heading to bed last night, I struck up the conversation again about this calling God has put on my life.  I'm blessed to have a husband that is full of tremendous wisdom and grace.  He has studied me and knows me better than I know myself.  So when it comes time to have hard discussions, he knows exactly when and how to say things.  (The art of communication should never be taken lightly.  How we say things, what we say and when we say them makes or breaks the outcome.)   

I'm still amazed at how well he handled me.  How he poured out wisdom and "food for thought"...He helped me to realize some things I had not thought about.  He focused me on the important things.  He showed me the truth about the sacrifice.  His words were dripping with the love of Christ.  The Holy Spirit used him to shed light...and I walked away with more peace than I've ever had about this particular subject matter.

Things are beginning to seem "doable".  I no longer want to throw up when I think of the calling.  But I still feel myself trying to throw my arms up to stop myself from getting too close.  But those arms are quickly becoming paralyzed from the thought of missing the Lord's call on my life.  The reality of missing the Lord draws more fear than the fear of the calling itself.

I am running...running after you....Lord!

Running

"But Jonah got up and went in the opposite direction to get away from the Lord..."

Jonah 1:3 (NLT)

It's odd...I've never been here before.  This is the first time the Lord has called me into an area of ministry where I've dug my heels in the sand and said, "No way, Jose!"  Well, at least I'm trying to do that, but I'm looking behind me and seeing ruts in the sand where He's dragging me there anyways.  My friend Jenny will read this all and laugh.  My life group leader will read this and chuckle.  My husband will read this and breathe a sigh of relief that I'm finally dealing with it.  Others have simply said, "Yeah, we knew it..."  Well, I feel as though everyone around me knew it...but me.  I suppose it's easier to see a calling on someone else's life than it is to see what is on your own life.

Every single time I try to question why, the Lord always responds with a solid answer.  Each time I try to argue, He reminds me of what He's brought me through and what He's put within me.  Even when I try to bargain with Him, He cautions me about being careful what I "wish' for.  I'm doing all the things that Jonah did...and we all know where he ended up.  No thank you!  I'm not interested in spending even 3 minutes, much less 3 days, in a dark, stinking, lonely place.  Jenny calls my "fight", rebellion...and that's as witchcraft.  Whatever to you, Jenny!  I told her to hush....that I didn't want her truth.  Of course, she laughs at me and I laugh at myself because we both know I carve the truth and the relationship with my Lord.

I do want the will of the Lord for my life.  I don't want to try to carve my way through this world.  I want Him to carve my path.  I want to show up on Judgement Day with empty pockets from giving everything I had before my time was up.  So here I stand at a crossroad.  I know which direction to go but fear hinders my walk.  The thought of the sacrifice shakes me up.  I try one more time to tell my Maker that He didn't make me to do this...



My accountability partner gave me 30 days from May 11th to wave my little white flag in surrender.  I have 19 days left....